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“Here Are The 5 Steps To Reconnect With Your Man… And Enjoy A Loving Relationship
I have put this website together to guide you through the process that I used to romance MY soulmate Mike. I’ve included all the steps, resources, hints and tips that I discovered and used along the way.
There are five basic steps to romancing your soulmate. If you are looking for a specific part of the process, simply click on the appropriate step below. Otherwise, continue reading after this list for all of the detail and links to resources you will need.
Romance is the precursor of seduction!
So often you live with the person you were once in love with and wonder where that incredible feeling — the “I will love you forever” feeling — has gone.
Well, the passionate feelings that aroused your body when you were first in love have dissipated, and been replaced with other feelings! These may be feelings of contentment, loyalty, familiarity and respect. Or they may be feelings of frustration, annoyance, indifference or resentment.
If you have already completed my Intimacy Quadrant Quiz you will know what your “Mate Type” is in your relationship. This next program is designed to set out the system you can use — depending on whether you are a Housemate, Bestmate, Playmate or Soulmate to manipulate your man into doing your bidding!
If you haven’t done the Intimacy Quadrant Quiz yet, don’t worry. I’ll provide you the link in my Romance Your Soulmate program.
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Romance Your Soulmate is all about romancing the person you love and finding greater connection, joy and fulfilment in your current relationship. The purpose of the five steps in the program is for you to understand how relationships work, and learn about the differences between men and women – how they communicate, how they like to be loved, how they like to MAKE love! The AIM is to get back to Soulmate status in your relationship.
The five basic steps to manipulating your man into giving you more time, communication and sexual intimacy are:
Flirting— Remember you are looking to build a life-long relationship, so go out of your way to get noticed by your man. This attraction is a very important part of getting to know your man again in your disconnected relationship. Back To Our Place—OK, we’re moving into some unresolved issues here and we’re going back to our place to do some serious talking. Courting—Courting is different to dating – it’s deeper! You get to re-examine what brought you together in the first place – what lit the flame between you! Romance—Here I get you thinking about different things you could do to recreate emotional, intellectual, sexual, or recreational intimacy with your partner. Commitment—Now we’re talking choices and no-lose decisions. Is he really the man for you? I build on your growing awareness of the importance of your input into the relationship instead of waiting for your partner to be different.
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Step one — Flirting
Flirting or being the object of flirting is stimulating and alerts you to the fact that someone is interested in you! Your body tingles with excitement and your body floods with good feeling chemicals, which heighten your brain power and allows you to be witty and charming and totally responsive to the one you are flirting with.
In this module you will be looking at how to always present the best side of yourself and know your emotional style and how to control it. Remember you are looking to build a life-long relationship, so go out of your way to get noticed by your partner.
Recognize the importance of love languages or the way you give and receive love. Know why relationships fail and always have a strategy to move your partner on to the next step.
You are in a relationship but the zing has gone out of it. You have each returned to wanting to spend time with other friends, outside activities and hobbies. You feel worried that although you still love your partner, you may no longer be “in love” with him or her, because your partner is no longer the total focus of your life. That early ‘spark’ seems to have left the relationship. We’ll explore limerence and its effect on your relationship
I often have people tell me that they don’t feel at all loved by their partner. Yet if I ask the partner, they say that of course they love him or her. So why is this?
Imagine we all have an emotional fuel tank within us. And when our fuel tank runs dry, we need to refill it, in order to keep functioning. And to refuel, we don’t all go to the same gas station. We have preferences.
It’s the same with refilling our own emotional tanks. We have preferences. We don’t all like the same thing, in order to feel topped up! We’ll explore how you and your man give and receive love.
Finally, in my experience of counseling many hundreds of couples over the years, I have found that relationships fail for three main reasons:
Unresolved hurts Ineffective communication, and Not giving and receiving love according to each partner’s needs.
In Flirting we’ll talk over these issues in detail to help you find reasons why you’re a housemate, bestmate, playmate or soulmate.
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Step two — Back to our place
Remember the thrill of “coming back to my place” and the anticipation of it being just the two of you, having plenty of time and total privacy to get to know each other better. Remember the hours spent talking, finding out more about each other, wanting to know everything about what makes the other one “tick”.
“Back to our Place” is about recreating that safe place, where there is privacy, to talk to each other about how you really feel. Unless you are able to resolve your resentments, it will be difficult to re-engage with your partner. Those old hurts keep resurrecting whenever there is a new hurt, unless they have been dealt with. It’s about levelling, listening and validating your partner – the fastest way for your resentments to be resolved.
You’ll learn a communication model, an effective communication technique and practise active listening, conveying acceptance, trust and respect at a relationship level. It is more than just hearing the words that the other person (the speaker) is saying. It is hearing his/her perspective or opinion about a topic, and accepting the speaker’s feelings and then indicating by your response “I understand that you feel such-and-such about a particular topic.”
I teach you to drop the “YOU” word and use “I” language. My helping model of communication skills is aimed at assisting someone in managing his or her problem. It is not a therapy for solving the person’s problem. It is simply a way for you to improve your communication with your partner, and apply communication skills to assist your man and work with him on romance.
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Step three — Courting
Courting is different to dating – it’s deeper! Traditionally, courting is the period in a couple’s relationship which precedes their engagement and marriage, or establishment of an agreed relationship of a more enduring kind. During courtship, a couple get to know each other and decide if there will be an engagement or other such agreement.
Courting is usually an informal and private matter between two people.
In the context of Romancing Your Soulmate, courting is about actively “wooing” your disconnected partner back into a committed relationship with you. You are thus encouraging your partner to understand and agree to your receptiveness to a reengagement in your relationship. If you are estranged or living separately, you may want to consider first dating again with the intention of rebuilding emotional, spiritual and physical intimacy.
I introduce the relationship cycle which describes the four major components of a relationship: effective communication, emotional intimacy, sensuality, and sexuality. It is particularly useful in illustrating what areas in your relationship need working on.
Women typically enter into a relationship through communication and emotional stability—wanting a caring, loyal, and understanding partner. Women will only seek sexual fulfilment once emotional intimacy and trust has been established.
Men typically enter into a relationship as provider and protector—wanting a supportive and understanding partner. Men seek sexual fulfilment in order to establish and secure emotional intimacy and trust.
Whilst this is not true for all men and women, it does highlight a major difference between the genders that is the cause for some relationship breakdowns. Men need to understand how women operate, and women need to understand how men operate. Additionally, men are typically not effective communicators in relationships—but they can learn to be.
In order to maintain a deeper level of communication and trust, it is important to be aware of some major differences in the way that men and women communicate.
Women think that men want what they need, and similarly, men assume that women operate the same way that they do. Not so. The male and female brains work differently and there is now plenty of research to prove it!
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Step four — Romance
We dream of romance, of long walks along the beach, of watching the sunset on a remote tropical island. Women imagine gentle caresses, soft music and tender kisses. (Some men do, too!) These are the elements of romance novels, and they fuel the notion of romantic love.
Romance is definitely about creating – or resurrecting – intimacy, at all levels.
To Romance Your Soulmate is to resurrect or recreate emotional, intellectual, physical, spiritual, recreational and sexual intimacy. Sexual intimacy is not the whole of romance, but is certainly an important aspect, so needs to be addressed. When you sex life has dwindled, or seems more obligation than desire, both usually want to get their sex life back on track.
Most relationship books or dating agencies focus on getting together or finding the perfect partner. What you do in the Romance Your Soulmate program is learn the more important tasks of staying together, and what to do in order to rebuild emotional and sexual intimacy.
For the majority of people, what reduces their affection for each other in a long term relationship, or after marriage, is a total mystery. Couples who start out full of love, couples who can’t get enough of each other in the beginning, see that early closeness slip away, and they have not the slightest idea of what is going wrong.
What destroys relationships is neither incompatibility nor lack of love. It is the destructive behaviour each partner adopts soon after limerence dissipates. Once they begin those behaviours, it is inevitable they will continue and over time, both partners become miserable.
No matter what shape your relationship is in, you can only change yourself. You cannot change another person’s behaviour. Yet most people practise this “external control” psychology. External control has as its major premise: “If we are unhappy we are not responsible for the way we feel. It’s always other people, events we can’t control, or something structurally or chemically wrong with our brain that is the cause of our pain. It is never what we choose to do that is the cause of our misery.”
Employing external control, unhappily married people keep thinking: “It’s not me, it’s my partner who is the cause of my misery. And I need to do everything I can to change the way my partner behaves toward me” (and in domestic violence situations, this includes up to beating or killing him or her).
These “obligation behaviours” are used by us over and over without giving much thought to how much misery they cause us and others.
The key to a successful relationship is to manage your own emotions.
Nothing kills sex faster and more completely than the seven deadly habits.
Develop good habits starting with learning to manage your expectations and managing your response after an emotional event. We will explore the 7 deadly habits and replace them with seven internally motivated caring habits.
Sex after marriage is complicated; if it is to succeed, it needs a lot of love both in and out of bed. Many people who engage in long-term affairs say that they are attempting to recapture the intimacy, sexual and personal, that they no longer find in their marriage.
For sex to be both desirable and successful, in or out of marriage, making love, not defending and attacking each other, has to be very much on the minds of both partners at least for a while before they get to the bedroom – and exclusively as they begin to make love!
To even WANT to have sex with your partner, you must feel safe in the same space. So practising caring habits (i.e. the absence of nagging, criticising, blaming or controlling) is the first step.
Although men and women share many desire enhancers, there are some enhancers that, as a broad generalisation, appeal more particularly to men than women, and vice versa. Put simply, what turns him on may be different from what turns her on.
I will share with you male and female enhancers—things that promote your desire for your man.
Romancing your Soulmate is about getting some intimacy back into your relationship – and sexual intimacy is an important part of that. So often, each partner wants to get that intimacy back, but doesn’t know how.
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Step five — Commitment
Commitment is a choice to reengage your partner.
People wrongly believe that a commitment is a promise, and that when you make a commitment it means you are locked in to that way of being or doing, for all time. In fact, if you are in a committed relationship with your partner, you make a daily choice to drive your car into your driveway, to enter into your home, to eat a meal with your partner, and then to sleep in the same bed with him or her. You may not realize it, but every action is a choice.
No one is forcing you to drive to that home, or sleep with that partner. If one day you drive to someone else’s home and sleep in someone else’s bed, then you have broken your commitment to your partner. You have made an alternate choice. You do have an option to recommit to your partner. However there may be consequences to your being “less committed”, even for a short time.
“But be careful! You may make the wrong decision!”
One of your biggest fears may be that you will make, or have already made, a wrong decision. Just the thought of making a wrong decision – of making a mistake – can cause you anxiety. We are afraid that the wrong decision will deprive us of something – or that we will suffer a great loss – money, friends, lovers, status, or whatever the RIGHT decision is supposed to bring us.
But there is no such thing as a mistake. People make decisions based on the best information they have available to them at the time. Even if later on, and with more information, the person looks back and has regrets about the choices made, it still cannot be said to be a mistake. Because the additional information was not available at the time. NO ONE deliberately or consciously makes a WRONG choice. You only ever decide what you believe is the right thing to do at the time.
Making decisions can be a stressful time as people weigh up the reasons ‘for’ and ‘against’ the choice they are about to make. You may even put off making a decision as a way of handling the stress of having to make it. Or to avoid hurting someone in whom you have placed your trust, or to whom you have made a commitment, especially if your decision now is to break that commitment, and you anticipate there will be hurt feelings. Eventually, making a decision is something you will need to do on your own, after taking into consideration all the advice and options you can gather.
Susan Jeffers in her book Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway presents decision making as a No-Win Model or a No-Lose Model. Essentially, Jeffers sees the Choice Point as where your internal voice rules – making it difficult for you to make a decision and be happy with it.
I’ll explain the ‘no-win’ and the ‘no-lose’ model of decision making. There will also be some difficult consequences to both. But when you make a ‘no-lose’ you cannot lose. With every decision, you are a winner.
Infidelity can understandably be a big issue within a relationship. As well as the intense distress a partner feels when he/she feels betrayed they also have to deal with the feeling of being lied to or deceived. In Romance Your Soulmate the difference between these two feelings is discussed and tips provided on how to rebuild your relationship and learn to trust again.
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Once you choose to take action for your relationship it means you value it and want to feel more connected and more fulfilled with your man. You want to feel again the closeness and the romance you once felt so effortlessly – and you have decided you want him to be your Soulmate, not just for now, but for the long term.
My program is designed to guide you through the fundamentals of a great relationship. My purpose in preparing the Romance Your Soulmate modules is so that you can start to examine where you are at with your partner, and learn the “rules” of maintaining a great relationship. Without knowledge of how intimate relationships work, you will not know what to do to begin to make yours better.
It is no different to me looking beneath the bonnet of my car, when it fails to start. I can see there is an engine there, but I don’t know the names of all the parts of the engine, and I do not know which part is not working. That is what it is like when your relationship starts to deteriorate. You don’t always know what is going wrong, or why, and you don’t always have the language of emotions to express how you feel. This means that you cannot reflect on things yourself, let alone discuss them with your partner. And if you try, things very often seem to get worse.
There is a great deal of information in the Romance Your Soulmate modules, and as a self-help program, it is an excellent start. However, each relationship is unique. RYS does not describe the variances in relationships when one or both in the relationship has, for example, a personality disorder, rigid thinking, Adult ADD, or physical or mental health issues. These additional topics are covered in our higher level mentoring program, The Game of Intimacy.
It is not uncommon that a woman will seek help for the relationship before her man. There are several reasons for this. Firstly, a woman’s identity is formed around the success of her relationship with the man she loves. If she feels there is discord or distance, she will be more troubled by this than the man, whose identity is formed around his ability to earn money, to provide for and to protect the woman and children he loves. So she is more likely to mention first, that she would like them to seek professional help.
However, a man may immediately feel a failure when he learns that his wife is unhappy in their marriage. A man is the happiest when the woman he loves is happy. I have had men across many nationalities nod agreement with that statement, as if it were a given.
Yet many women do not know this simple rule, which in Man Speak is abbreviated to ‘Happy Wife Happy Life’. This explains why men get stressed when the woman they love complains or expresses disapproval or displeasure. He wants her to be happy, because then he feels that he has succeeded in his role – to provide and to protect. If she is unhappy, then he feels a failure.
If a man feels not judged by the mentor, and he perceives that the process is fair and just, it is highly likely that he will be agreeable to participate in my Romance Your Soulmate program.
I recall on one occasion after a successful first counselling session with a couple, it was the husband who asked when I might be able to see both him and his wife for a second session. The wife was most indignant. She said to him, quite angrily, “I have begged and begged you for months to come to counselling with me, and now after just one session, it is YOU who wants to return for more. You make me so MAD! All the time that has been wasted. We could have started to improve our relationship MONTHS ago!”
So start to improve YOUR relationship NOW – don’t wait another few months. Take action FOR YOUR RELATIONSHIP – you and your man are totally worth it! Soulmates, here we come!
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The easy way to do it
If all of the above seems just too hard to do on your own, and you’re keen to make a difference in your relationship, there is an easier way. I’d love to help you. I’ve mentored hundreds of couples just like you, helping them re-discover their connection.
I’ve put together a program which shows you step-by-step exactly how to make these changes to your relationship. Changes that will manipulate your man into giving you more time, communication, and sexual intimacy… and win a richer relationship.
For just $49 per month you get access to my mentoring program to guide you in detail every step of the way. Plus you get access to me via email and Skype for a total of 4 x 15min one-on-one sessions to answer your questions, make suggestions, and point you in the right direction. To find out more about what the mentoring program covers, please click here.
Next steps
The next step for me is to continue tweaking and refining this membership program to provide you with absolutely the best program for women like you who want to manipulate your man into giving you the things you want, when you want and have him like it.
In a recent survey I asked members of my database to tell me their biggest frustration with their man… Here’s some of the answers I received:
One frustration?! If I say it all in one sentence does that count?! Lack of appreciation, connection, physical intimacy, conversation, and expression of love. Every time he looks I can see how much he was a big problem and when he TALKS to me, no matter what it is I say, he snaps at me. Amount of time spent on Facebook and other activities that took away from family time. His drinking. Consistent communication Denying his feelings. Tells me one thing then totally does opposite. Him always being unhappy, irritable, and somewhat unsocial towards me.
These are just some of the frustrations women are experiencing with their man and which I will address in my Romance Your Soulmate program. I’m looking forward to you joining me. Click here to find out exactly what the program covers.
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Good luck!
While I am happy to receive email queries, I don’t guarantee that I will get back to you immediately. I will set up an FAQ page with answers to the most common queries, so if you haven’t heard back from me, please check the FAQ page on this site. And then there is my Facebook page for Romance Your Soulmate members where you can ask questions and have me and also other members of the group respond. So let’s get going and end these frustrations once and for all.
Kind regards
Karen Gosling
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